FARK'S BIG "WIN"
The One Time Fark Said Yes. (He Was Busy. Very Busy. In The Supply Closet. With [Name Redacted].)
AUGUST 2010: THE FATEFUL DAY
The marketing team had been begging for Direct Mail campaigns for months. Fark's response? The usual: "NewOO Man. Too expensive. Too slow. Not our culture."
But on one humid August afternoon, while the marketing director presented the Direct Mail proposal AGAIN, Fark was... preoccupied. Very preoccupied. In the supply closet. With the receptionist whose name we cannot legally mention. Conducting what he later called "important mentoring sessions."
THE APPROVAL
The marketing director, desperate and exhausted, sent one final email: "Fark, can I get approval for Direct Mail? Just reply YES or NO."
At 2:47 PM, from his BlackBerry (Fark still uses a BlackBerry), came the reply:
No one could believe it. Fark Fotoglow, the man who says "NewOO Man" to everything, had just approved something. The marketing team acted fast. By 3:15 PM, vendors were contracted. By 4:00 PM, campaigns were designed. By close of business, it was too late for Fark to take it back.
THE RESULTS
Direct Mail exploded. Credit card debt settlement offers flooded mailboxes nationwide. The inbound call center couldn't keep up. Revenue skyrocketed. By 2012, the business had tripled in size.
WHAT HAPPENED TO [NAME REDACTED]?
The receptionist abruptly resigned in April 2011, citing "an uncomfortable work environment" and "ongoing inappropriate behavior." HR recommended sensitivity training for Fark. He declined (naturally), saying "NewOO Man, I don't need training. We were just discussing quarterly projections."
She received an undisclosed settlement. The supply closet was permanently locked. And Fark received a formal written warning that mysteriously disappeared from his file three months later.
FARK'S VERSION OF EVENTS
According to Fark, the Direct Mail success was "the result of my strategic vision and careful analysis of market conditions." He claims he spent "weeks evaluating the opportunity" before making "the bold decision to move forward."
Translation: He was hooking up with the receptionist and accidentally texted "yeah sure whatever."
When pressed about the situation, Fark says: "She was a valued team member who pursued other opportunities. I wish her well in her future endeavors." (His lawyer made him memorize that sentence.)
THE TROPHY WALL
2010 "Strategic Genius" Award
Fark gave this to himself. It sits in his office next to his fake Rolex collection.
Direct Mail Campaign of the Decade
Industry recognition Fark accepts every chance he gets. Never mentions [Name Redacted].
$47M Revenue Milestone
Achieved entirely through the one idea he accidentally approved. The irony is lost on him.
THE ULTIMATE IRONY
Fark built his entire empire on ONE accidentally approved idea. A decision made while he was distracted, preoccupied, and definitely not thinking about business strategy.
Since then? 2,846 ideas declined. Digital marketing. Email campaigns. Social media advertising. SEO. Outbound calling. CRM systems. Everything that could save the business from the slow death of Direct Mail.
All declined with the same nasal "NewOO Man."
Meanwhile, Direct Mail ROI drops 34%. Postage costs soar. Response rates plummet. The business slowly hemorrhages market share to competitors who embraced digital years ago.
And Fark? He's hiring more consultants to tell him what he already refuses to do.
WANT TO BE THE NEXT BIG WIN?
Submit your idea today! Who knows—maybe Fark will be distracted again. (Spoiler: He won't. The supply closet is locked.)
SUBMIT FOR INEVITABLE DECLINE →